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Menstruation Make-Up (not nearly as gross as it sounds)

As anyone who knows me knows, I am not one to shy away from talking about menstruation. So, when my brilliant and beautiful roommate saw some post about someone doing their make up to match their snacks (although, maybe not on purpose), she told me that I should do my make up to match my feminine hygiene products. Clearly, the best idea since actually getting to have hygiene products so, I bring to you–

 

 

Menstruation Make-Up (not nearly as gross as it sounds)

 

 

The Basic Bitch:

This bitch is pretty much worthless. She’s the one you go to if you’re not quite sure you know whats going on. She’s the kinda lady that drinks a vodka cran. And not just any vodka cran, no, she’s drinking that skinny girl vodka and some lite cran. She’s going to take 3 sips and get white girl wasted and have to uber home. She’s not the kinda lady who is going to help you in a jam. Hell, the necessity for one of these babies is so low that you can go ahead and wear your white shorts out. Odds are, you barely need her. You do need your basic bitch though, and don’t you forget it. This girl is going to be the one that saves your nice panties from stains. And, in a pinch, you can double or triple up until you can get to a reliable flow stopper.

 

basic b

For this basic b, I kept it minimal. Nude lip and gold liner. A  little glitter there, but you cant really tell (I’m not a professional photographer, and my phone keeps saying I don’t have enough room for pictures. So, I have to go on snap chat and take pictures and save them to my phone–life hack–). You’ll also note the low pony (refer to later blog for a full write up on ridiculous things that belong to the basic b)

 

The Bad Bitch

This bitch is not fucking around. This is the one that has your back. But, she’s fickle. She’s the kind of chill girl who is going to order a whiskey sour most of the time but then BAM, one day she’s over here taking shots and getting black out. Like, you can trust her–but you can’t REALLY trust her. She won’t exactly make out with your S.O., but…like, she might make out with your S.O., so don’t leave her alone for too long. I’ve had more than a few pairs of underoos ruined by thinking i could trust a regular strength tampon to get the job done.

 

not fuckin around

For this make up–green was the thing, green eye shadow, green lips, you got me. A bit heavier on the eye too, cause this girl is ready to GET DOWN. Plus a funky cool braid to be edgy but  not ~too~edgy

 

The Beyonce of Bitch

This bitch is wild. She is not ever going to let you down. She’s crazy, but she can somehow go for hours and hours. This is the girl that is drinking tequila All.Damn. Night. And, you are like, “how the fuck is she still standing all these hours later,” but GUESS WHAT?? She IS. If you’re feeling really insecure, pair this girl up with your basic bitch and you won’t have to worry about a thing. She’ll keep you having a good time all night and protect your clothes. That’s basically all a girl in a homicidal period rage can ask for.

wildone

This particular brand of tampon was trying to be all adorable and secretive by putting pretty designs on their tampons. Like someone is going to mistake it for a candy bar. “Yes, I always surreptitiously take my candy bar to the bathroom to consume it, no worries.The idea of you thinking that I take my candy with me to eat while I perform bodily functions is somehow preferable to you knowing that I am using my tampon to not bleed all over your things! “So I put a shit ton of circles on my face using various eyeliners and shadows and I teased my hair to show that I am just as crazy as this crazy ass tampon design.

 

Sadly, I don’t own a diva cup as I don’t have the coordination to not drop it and create a mess everywhere, so that will not be included in today’s festivities.

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I’d Rather Have a Tampon

So there is this interesting trend that is occurring when I go to the gyno at the free clinic, the giving of condoms. Now, I don’t particularly have a problem with condoms, and I am certainly not going to begrudge the giving of a free contraceptive, especially from the fine people that donate their time to the free clinic. What irks me about this situation, besides the fact that I do not need condoms due to the fact that I have practically no love life to speak of, is that I would rather have a tampon. 

Because, lets face it, feminine hygiene products are expensive. And why? I have no idea. It’s, like, five dollars for a pack of twenty tampons. So I have to spend five dollars on something which is basically keeping me from bleeding all over the things you love (don’t wrinkle your nose, it’s true!). You (the royal you) should be paying me to wear feminine hygiene products(all the people I love best in the world have heard me rant this before). I feel very strongly about this. I think its just flat out ridiculous that these products are so expensive. And, yea, there are some cheapie alternatives out there,but I have an equal degree of hatred towards cardboard applicators. And do you think I am just so hoity toity for wanting a plastic applicator? LIke maybe I should suck it up and not be such a princess about it? Hello, its my vagina! It’s literally something being shoved up in there, as if I am not already violated enough by each speculum incident that happens(sorry nurses, you do a great job, but nobody likes that), and now I have to use an uncomfortable applicator because its cheaper than the easy plastic one? No thanks. I don’t think it is out of the line to want to be comfortable as well as dry. I am already retaining water and being bloated, I don’t really need to add to that discomfort. 

So I go to the lady doctor, and this is what the experience is like there:

She asks me how many people I’ve slept with.

I mumble an embarrassing number.

She asks me how long I’ve been seeing my current partner.

I die a little inside because I don’t have a current partner, and I have not had sex in exactly one zillion years, thank you for brining it up. I am sad and alone and sexless.

She does the check up and gives me my back of birth control, replete with thirty condoms.

So thank you.

Thank you for reminding me that now, despite not having any sex to speak of, nor any promise of sex, or any relationship on the horizon, I now have enough condoms to keep me from a months worth of babies.

I am now not only sad, alone,and bitter, with a nurse up inside my vagina scarping and probing, but now I have a sack of condoms which are practically useless. The odds of me using them before the expiration date are slim to none. 

How about the next time I am at such a visit, I get something super useful for the shedding of my uterine lining.

How about next time, I get thirty free feminine hygiene products.

That would be useful.

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