dating, love, Uncategorized

Would You Eat A Human(and other topics I discuss on dates)

Rounding in to my fourth (or is it fifth? It at least feels like my hundredth) year of being single, I can safely say that I have gone on ~a lot~ of dates. And, as someone who has gone on ~a lot~ of dates, I can tell you I am becoming quite tired of the first date rigmarole. Mainly consisting of beverages of some sort (unless, god forbid, your special swipe wants to take you hiking or some such nonsense ), and the awkward “are we sleeping together on the first date?” dance. Now, I don’t know what qualifies one to be an advice columnist or dating guru, all I know is that no one has ever asked me to be one. But, I will tell you this, dear reader: The thing that bums me out more than anything is the first date survey.
You know what I mean—when you’re answering question after question about your life, your hopes, your dreams, etc etc until you’re so bored you’re  starting to wonder who you have to write to in congress to get a bill passed for pouring an 8 count to be the standard measurement on drink orders.

Now, I know you’re thinking “yea-duh. Nobody on the face of this planet enjoys that horribly awkward, but somehow necessary part of the date. You’re not making any kind of revelation here,” and, you’re not wrong. But, the thing is, the reason why I hate it (And boy Howdy do I) is because invariably there will come the time when my date will ask the dreaded question. After spewing my guts and trying to make cross stitching seem interesting for the past twenty minutes and thinking I’ve really made progress, staring deeply into his eyes and thinking that I am probably going to make it out of this one alive, he will pop the question :”What’s your favorite music?”

“Whaaaaat,” you screech(insert mental gif of spit take here). You can’t believe it. How can that possibly be the question that makes me quiver with unease when there are so many other, less easily answered topics a date could broach? I know, I know reader, you are just like my dates and I can already feel you slipping away. You see, I hate it because I genuinely do not give a fuck about music. And that is tough titties to deal with in the dating world.

Music is fine. I’m happy enough when its on, I don’t mind hearing the music other people enjoy. I appreciate it’s qualities in terms of ability to add to cinematic  moments. There are certainly songs and bands that I appreciate, tunes I find catchy, and so forth. But, frankly, I would prefer to watch a show or read a book than to listen to music and people Do. Not. Get. That. It’s like a personal affront. It’s like I have physically wounded them when I let loose that I can get down with Ke$ha, but I honestly don’t know who that obscure band is and god, no, I don’t really want you to play their five albums for me (but, fuck, okay fine you’ve already brought out your spotify playlist so yea, sure go on lets hear it).

The other day I spent a solid five minutes referring to Heuy Luis and the News as Heuy Lewis and the Band, until the nice gentleman I was talking to informed me of my mistake. I really don’t have much of a knack for it.

Sad though this may be, I’ve decided to get it over with as quickly as possible with the my new dynamic duo of questions. Instead of the boring back and forth of “tell me your passions” and another sad foray into “21 questions” I’ve added in an invigorating round of “what do you hate” ? An exciting river of emotions as the two contestants plow through things that are really obnoxious and off putting to them.  This game is helpful threefold.

  1. It spices up the mundane date with something I actually care about. That something being: are we going to be able to complain about the same crap. Or, even better, are you enough of a curmudgeon for me to begin with? Because, honestly, you can have your goals and aspirations, but if you aren’t going to rant about people walking two abreast down a sidewalk that barely fits one person and then those people won’t move over to let you through—thank, frankly, I’m not really sure we are going to be compatible. And, also, if you don’t mention a general distaste for cable/internet conglomerates right away then I will have to naturally assume you are the devil incarnate.
  2. It is the easiest way to find out if someone is a racist/sexist/classist/abelist/otherwise-ist kind of person. Nothing screams “run the other direction” than somebody telling me they hate when women talking about periods.
  3. But, most importantly, it gives me the opportunity right out of the gate to express that I do not care about music. It is not my life, it is not my drug, it is not the one thing that keeps me going. They will learn, very quickly, that concerts do not give me any kind of high, and if they see me at one its because I’m supporting a friend, or it’s the one band I care about.



Now, as if it is not enough to simply know the things that can drive my new potential partner looney toons, I’ve decided to up the ante. If they have been willing to play along up until this point, they should have no trouble in the lightning round, “Would you eat a human?” Now, before you get all up in a tizzy, this is always qualified by letting everyone know the extreme Donner Party-esq circumstances. I’m not asking you to bite in to me during foreplay, I’m merely wondering if we are on the same page…survival wise. If we were stranded, for whatever reason, and someone that wasn’t the two of us died in a way that didn’t involve tainting their nourishing meatparts would you eat them to survive? Again, the question serves threefold.

  1. If you are too freaked out by this question to even answer, then we aren’t going to get along. I am as weird as I am morbid, and if you won’t even entertain my curiosity of this unseemly topic then you probably also hate Stephen King, and if that’s the case what use to do I have for you?
  2. If we were stranded and we did need to eat someone, don’t you think it’s important our values line up? Can you imagine what an awkward conversation that would be, like, ten years into a relationship when one of us is clinging to life and the other one is too disgusted and prefers to die? Isn’t that something you want to know before you have children? That if push comes to shove you’ll have help rearing the twins in the woods like savages because all of humanity has come crashing down? I’m just saying, it’s something people should be on the same page about.
  3. If they answer yes too quickly before I can qualify what kind of situation would require them to be eating the flesh of humans, I can boogie out of there right quick. I love Thomas Harris’ works, but I am in no mood to be reenacting scenes from Hannibal, thanks.


I’ve found this is the quickest and safest route for me to take to really streamline the process of letting everyone know where I’m at, music-wise. While I’m happy for everyone that has their passion, I’m not really trying to life a life where I need to know about all the best bands in the tri-state area. If you’re a musician and we end up dating, I will happily support you and talk about your inspiration, but until then, keep your info in your soundcloud.



If You Don’t Like Me, Just Say So

Dating is incredibly difficult. So much more difficult than not dating. I understand why I stayed in a relationship long after it had worn itself thin–so I wouldn’t have to do this again. Understanding the opposite sex is brutal. I assume also the same sex, but since I haven’t experienced same sex dating I can’t speak to it. The games people plane are so strange and disconcerting, and I honestly don’t know how they have time for it. I barely have time to write about it, let alone do it all day every day until someone gets worn out enough to be my SO. I feel like a great deal of my dating time is spent just trying to deconstruct text messages, when all I really want is a very blunt message about what is going on. I don’t know what it is about the thrill of the chase that is so very thrilling, and maybe I don’t get it because I hate running, but Id’ rather just know right off the bat what the situation is. If after the first date I could just know whether or not the dude thinks it’s going to pan out or not or if he needs another date to decide, that would be great. If he just wants to get it on and thinks dinner and a walk in the park is the way to ease in to that, thanks for the 411, mate. If after wards he’d prefer not to talk to me again, then at least I’ll know not to blow up his phone with a bunch of messages about the new sushi restaurant that just opened up. I don’t know what about hat concept is so difficult, bit it seems to be a real problem in my particular dating pool. I’m constantly trying to decipher whether the word “busy” is actually being used as the word it is intended to mean, and that he will in fact get back to me when he is done with work/school/extracurricular. Or, if “busy” is actually a strange euphemism for “I don’t really like you, but I don’t want to tell you, so instead I’m going to say that I am busy”.  And, I would really like to answer the age old question of “If a guy whispers a sweet nothing, but nobody else is around to hear it–does it really mean anything at all”? I’m guessing no, because the amount of times a guy has said something to me or my friends that amounted to “you’re a great girl, and I’d like you to be my girlfriend”, only to not return a call the next day cannot even be counted on the fingers and toes of all my girlfriends put together. All I really want, is a definitive acceptance or rejection of my romantic advances, and even a full on rejection seems hard to come by these days.


 I’ve often found that people seem to think the act of rejecting someone is far worse than the act of giving that person a false hope. I am guilty of this action myself. Somewhere we have bot it in our heads that our love/admiration/desire is somehow paramount to another persons self worth because they showed an interest in us. Newsflash–it isn’t.It has been too often that I have been with a man, only to have him create some kind of false sense of security in the potential flower of our relationship, and then never hear from him again. It’s inane and awful. Firstly, I hate to waste my time caring about a relationship that is going absolutely nowhere. Secondly, I feel incredibly foolish caring about a relationship that is going absolutely nowhere. But, thirdly, and probably most importantly, I just don’t care that much about you in terms of your rejection. What, You say. Thats so harsh, you say. Obviously you care about that person, you are going on dates with them! You’re upset that they aren’t writing you back! Excellent points. I care about you, person I am dating, right up until the point you want to reject me. At that point, all I care about is getting that out of the way so I can move on. You and your rejection are very little in the grand scheme of my life. What I actually care about is whether or not I should spend my time on someone or something, and whether or not that time spent is worth it. I, actually, care very little both you if you are not interested in me. Your rejection will, of  course, be painful. All rejection is painful. If i put myself out there, it is because I was expecting a return, so naturally that is going to hurt on some level. But, that passes. And, it really passes quickly. Even more quickly, I might add, if you just tell me up front that you aren’t all that interested. 


But, for whatever reason, even when I tell a man all I wan is the honestly, I don’t care when why or how, just as long as he makes it clear what he wants and treats me like a human being I am willing to work with it, he still seems to find it necessary to  to fabricate some desire that is not really there.  For instance– I saw a man once, let’s call him Exhibit A. Exhibit A and I spent an evening together. During that time, he used terms in the future tense “I will  take you there, we should go there soon, next time we will do this” blah blah blah etc,oh the power of words! After a day had passed, I sent a text message something to the effect of “If you really are interested in seeing me again, these are the dates I have open. If you aren’t , iI had a great time, see you around”. Now, Exhibit A could have done one of two things if he was not interested. He could have just not written me back. Cold and cruel but the easiest tactic. It’s not the first time that would have happened to me, certainly not the last. I’ve done it to several people, though I am not terribly proud of it. It is the most stinging way to tell a person “I just am not even interested enough in you to send you a ‘thanks but no thanks’ text”, but it was only one date, so neither of us were that invested. If that isn’t his style, Exhibit A could have sent the “thanks, but no thanks” text. But, he didn’t do either of these things.


Instead, a very enthusiastic text was sent about how he would definitely see me again, but was busy (there is that pesky busy!) this week, and would get in touch with me next week. Then….silence. Not a word. Magically, two or so weeks later a text message arrives apologizing for the silence by hue had x amount of things going on, all of which are now resolved. I don’t think I am a very stupid person, I had my misgivings, but I always wanted to be understanding. I mean, I’ve been busy before, I’ve let things slip away from me before. Hell, I have even gone out with someone, thought I like someone else, then changed my mind before. Those things happen, and so I thought…okay, let’s give it another shot. So, we came up with another date, and, wouldn’t you know, hours before there is suddenly a family emergency. Yes, at this point it becomes ridiculous. I won’t make any excuses for myself for the fact that I let it continue to the planning of a third date, suffice it to say I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn’t going  to happen–but was still, sadly, holding out for lack of anything better going on. We set up a third date for after the family emergency was over. He continued to text me right up until the day before, and that was the last I ever heard of Exhibit A.


 So what was the point of that, exactly? Why start a fire, put it out, rekindle it, and put it out two more times before letting it alone? Just to see how many times you can get it to burn before you are tired of it? I suppose that makes the most sense, some kind of funny pastime to see how many hoops you can get a woman to jump through before it just becomes too sad.

And it is sad.


Sadder still, the kind of norm it has become. This isn’t just an instance where I have foolish idealizations of an obvious situation. Certainly, I should have been able to pick out the signs that he wasn’t interested. See, there–I should have. But, what makes it so difficult is this exact type of situation happens all.the.time.


This particularly instance, perhaps, a more grandiose example of the sort of thing that happens  on a day to day basis with my male interactions, but all and all its a fairly direct representation. My life is fraught with men who seriously can’t seem to get it together enough to express what it is they want. Instead of just saying “no thank you, I”m not interested”  or, even, “I am interested, but not in what you are interested in” it’s a whole maze of answered and unanswered texts, scheduling and rescheduling, words and phrases that seem to mean one thing but turns out means another. A lot of times excuses seem legitimate enough, who doesn’t have to feed their pet hamster and do their nuclear fission homework on a Thursday night, right? When you tell a person  that you just want honesty, and it is okay if they don’t want from you what you want from them, you just expect to get an honest answer. Sometimes people are busy, excuses are real, and life and things do happen at inopportune moments. So if you can’t trust a person to answer honestly when honesty is asked, what do you believe and what do you scoff at?I don’t want to become a callous and bitter person who doesn’t trust anything a man says to me. I want to believe that what I give, I will get in return.


I see it too often, not just with my own experiences, but those of my friends. It’s horrible and confusing, and I wish there was a way to control it. But, the only thing that seems to scare people off faster than an “I love you” on the first date (I swear, I’ve never done that!), is when a person asks “What is it you want from this” after a first date. It is a question that people are terrified to answer,and it makes them put an automatic brake on whatever situation is budding.  And, it’s really the only question I want to ask, and the only one I need answered because I cannot read whatever signals people are trying to put out. Whatever handbook everyone else got that decodes the dash-dash-dot of male/female dating, I didn’t get that one. I don’t know what it means when you say you have a “family emergency” or when you want to take me to that restaurant the “next time we go out”. Are all those words just middle talk, or is there a part of it I should take seriously? What do I believe, and what is fabrication. Why is it so difficult to just express the point, instead of dancing around the issues until we are all dizzy?

I spoke to a stranger about this issue, and I received particularly good advice. People who don’t receive you as you are, shouldn’t be bothered with. If someone isn’t giving you the things you want, they never will. You can waste your time chasing people and trying to figure it out, or you can just let them be, and find someone who is ready to receive your love the way you choose to give it, and gives you the love you want in return. That is a fairly obvious statement. Clearly, we shouldn’t chase people who aren’t captivated and exited by our particular way of handling relationships. Obviously, if a person is driving you nuts with how they communicate with you in the beginning of a relationship, that isn’t going to stop driving you crazy just because you start dating. And, if a person is terrified by the fact that you love to be honest, that isn’t a very good relationship to have if you love honesty. It is so much more difficult than that. It is so very easy to get wrapped up and distracted by people when you think they are someone you want to be with. It is very easy to mistake signs, or turn a bland eye to them, because it better suits our own inter stets and ideals not to notice them. The thing we are best at is arguing ourself out of the idea that someone is flawed when we love them. How many relationships drag on much longer than they should because excuses are being made, and signs overlooked. It’s wonderful advice, but it is not easy to take. I will try as hard as I can to look at all the evidence before me , and see it for what it is. I will try to not make excuses for the things that are red flags. And, I will try to believe that what I have to offer ,someone will want to receive from me. Not just want to receive it, but be elated that that is the particular way in which I love. 

And all I can ask for in return is that you try to be honest with me.



“Do You Have Sexy Feet?” and Other People From Internet Dating That Crack Me Up

Sometimes I worry about myself. I seem to be inept at meeting men. I draw, like moth to the flame, old men and men that have significant others. I’m sure this happens to all kinds of women, but it’s particularly annoying when it’s happening to one’s self. Of course, in these dire times I go where anyone else would go–to the internet! Yes! The safe, warm embrace of the internet. Where I can put all my best characteristics and most flattering photos on a website and hopefully find a higher caliber of man…on the internet.

Lot’s of people meet great guys on the web, don’t get me wrong. I’m not bashing, obviously, because I’m doing it. But, the success rate seems to be higher among women and men who are older. I can only guess because a 25-30 year old man online is just the same as a 25-30 year old man in life. So my success rate online is, if not the same, somewhat worse than in “the real world” and it might be due to the anonymity of the situation. People online seem to think they are owed something somehow because they, too, got the awesome idea to put a profile online. Many men seem to believe that if they take the effort to put themselves out there, then praise is due. Some seem to think it an appropriate medium to find a casual encounter, and some seem to think it’s a place to let out their deepest fantasies. And, you know, online is probably the best place to do that. But, a lot of times, I don’t think they much care who they are directing their intentions at. My profile states I’m looking for a relationship, has some generic information about me–like that I like to read, and do crafty things, and don’t know how to clean my room appropriately. At no point do I mention a need to be subservient, or an overactive sex drive, or having daddy issues. Yet so many responses seem to gloss over that fact and decide that I am an appropriate target for unwanted solicitation. Perhaps it is a blanket effect, I might be (and probably am) one of many women receiving the same kind of attention from the exact same user. At first it bothered me, but now I sit back and enjoy the show. If anything is too downright creepy it can be reported and the user blocked, so there is no reason why I can’t read these messages and reflect.

My favorite is when a guy gets mad at me when I don’t respond to his message. As if I now owe him something because we both signed up for this free website and he got the guts to message me. I message people all.the.time. that do not write me back. And when they don’t write me back, I might get a little bit bummed out, but I move on. Clearly, that person could not see how awesomely badass I am, but that’s their thing to deal with. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? Why would I try to force an interest that isn’t there? I wouldn’t. And I specifically wouldn’t want to force that interest out of any kind of guilt.

I received this message the other day

“Hey, what’s up? Generic comment. Talk to you soon!”

I looked up the dudes profile, nothing that sparked my interest. I wasn’t attracted to him, I wasn’t attracted to anything in his profile, and  the message he sent me was short and had nothing in it to attract my attention. I moved on. I did not respond to him. So a few days later I get another message.

“Wow, you know, it’s polite to at least respond. rude.”

Are you for mother flippin serial?

First of all, I am not  on this website to cater to your every need. Maybe if you, gentleman from the internet, do not like the fact that that I don’t respond to you, correctly assume I’m somewhat of a bitch and move on. There are tons of reasons not to respond to someone. I just happened to not respond to him because I wasn’t interested. Sometimes I read a message and forget because I get distracted. Sometimes I want to go back and peruse their profile when I have more time. Sometimes after a few days I get back to responding because I am not sure what to say. A million and one reasons but it all boils down to the fact that I don’t owe this profile a response. But even if I wanted to respond to him and was taking my good sweet time about it, you know what I sure as shit don’t respond to? Someone trying to berate me into talking to them. That is 100% not what I am looking for in a relationship.

I don’t talk to you and so now you try and make me feel like an asshole for that fact? Well sign me up, because now I am really excited about making your acquaintance. In fact, thats why I signed up for this dating website, so I could date a dude who makes me feel like shit for my behavior. There are any amount of things that guy could have said that would have gotten me to respond, but trying to guilt me into it certainly isn’t one of them. And could you imagine what kind of date we would have based on that?  What could be the thought process behind that? If he really insists on having a response for every rejection (why? Isn’t it shitty enough the person you wrote doesn’t write you back? You want the physical words in front your face telling you they aren’t interested?) put that shit in your profile. I am way more likely to respond if it says in the persons profile that they’d like (like, not demand) a response, even if it’s a no. I’m a person. I’ve been in plenty of situations where I would have preferred and answer.  But, if it doesn’t say that, and I am not interested, then I am not going to write back. And if you don’t like that, then you won’t like me, and I don’t quite see what the problem is at this point. I’ve already made the easy decision.

Along the tract of the guy who thinks he is entitled to something from me, the person he has never met or spoken to, is the guy who really is sure I’m missing out on a good thing.

This dude generally has some sexy name lie…”cockstud” or “roughrider2514” and the pictures are mostly of his torso. He is looking for an intimate encounter and tries to seduce me thusly:

day 1: “hey”

day 5: “hey”

day 6: “hey”

day 12: “hey”

day 15: “hey”

day 15: “your missin out on a good thing–to bad”

Am I? Am I missing out on your unsurpassed eloquence, you’re impeccable grammar, and ripped bod? I think I’m okay. As before noted, my profile doesn’t say I am looking for an intimate encounter, so it’s going to take fuck lot more than a string of “hey”s to get into my pants, but great try. i can really feel all the effort that went in to it. And so cool that you were able to move past all those “hey”s and let me know you are in command of more than one word by telling me what I’m missing. That really makes my panties wet. Please, explain to me more. Tell me all about how I’m missing out on this great guy with the monosyllabic vocabulary. However will I survive? you sure showed me. Please, let me respond to this and we can really get this relationship going.


Who are the women that respond to that? You probably should not be putting your dick in those women unsheathed. I have to assume it had worked on someone and some time in order for this particular breed of dude to continue  on this path, but I can’t imagine who it would be. Maybe someone with a similar writing style.

There are also the dudes with the fetishes that think its necessary and prudent to try to include me in that. My judgement is not about the fetish, do what you want, my judgement is purely for the fact that it was presented to me and how. One day a man messaged me this.

“Hey, my name is Blah. You seem like a really nice girl, I’d love to get to know you. By the way…do you have sexy feet?”


Oh, I see, it’s an afterthought. You just thought you’d casually slip that in there like you weren’t super concerned but just thought you’d ask. You were gonna just hit the send button but then were like “oh wait, maybe I should ask if she has sexy feet. Maybe I should also ask her if she has a lactose allergy? Nah…that would be too personal”.

I must allow you to know, no where on my profile are there pictures of my feet. There are not even pictures of shoes. I don’t mention shoes or feet anywhere in my profile. There is no evidence in my profile to even suggest I have feet, let alone that I would be interested in helping someone out with their foot fetish. If I had a particular fetish, I think I would be interested in trying to see if the person I was trying do something with also had this same fetish before I asked them about it. I don’t think I’d dive right in there blind in the offhand hopes that he would be in to it, too. But that’s just me.

Regardless, I didn’t write this dude back. And would you believe a month later he messages me AGAIN.

“Seriously, I’d pay you to let me touch your feet”

Oh, well shit. Now I’m all about it. Cause before, when I didn’t answer, I was just holding out to see if you were gonna offer me money. I am so confused. What is this life that you would feel that that was necessary or appropriate? You aren’t putting all the pieces of a normal human interaction together enough to realize that when someone doesn’t write you back about your foot fetish that means they aren’t interested? You aren’t worried that continuing to harass them about it doesn’t come off as creepy? You think it’s okay to be inappropriate like that because it’s the internet? I can see your face dude! There are pictures of you. It’s not like you’re invisible. And I am clearly not either. I am also a person, why would you think that’s okay?

I did not respond to that message either,so I can’t tell you how much he was willing to pay to touch my feet. This is the question I am constantly asked by this story, and I am sorry I have no answer!

My second favorite, next to the berating dudes who think that making me feel bad will get them a date, are the guys with mad internet game. The guys who come up with these brilliant lines that must make all girls weak at the knees, both on and off the online sphere. How do they do it? Why are they even on a dating website with lines of pure gold? They have to be getting mad pussy with humdingers like these:

“Want to get pizza and fuck?”

Oh my god, yes. How did you know I was both hungry and horny at the same time? How courteous of you to want to feed me first. Oh…you want me to pay? And we have to go to my house because you still live with your parents? And could we stop at the crack house on the way so you can get a rock? Pass….

“Do you like giving bj’s?”

Oh, are you, like, doing a poll? Are you going to take all this information home and put it in a little pie chart and present it at a conference? I am so glad I can be a part of this earth shattering work. I am sure that after I answer this question, you’ll leave me alone and I’ll never hear from you again. It’s for science.

“hey you willing to host for a night of some good fun?”

Gosh, you know, I am only willing to host for a night of mediocre fun. If it’s too good then  it just bums me out– you know?

Daaaaang these guys know how to woo a woman and treat her like more than just an object. I mean, just outdoing themselves here at this point. And even if the endgame is just to get laid, and obviously the end game here is to just get laid, do they really not know any better? Never watched a movie? Read a book? Seen a TV show? Been outside? Are they really so desperate for strange that they want to bajang the girl that responds to these lines in the affirmative? Or is it just loneliness plain and simple? Trying to reach out for some kind of connection, even a false one?

All I know is, it provides me with hours of endless entertainment, if not a bit of sadness. Not that it is all bad. I have talked to several nice guys on dating websites, and gone on a few dates which didn’t pan out. But it’s these little internet friends that make me glad that they are mostly relegated to the internet. At least here I can ignore them(sorry dude who is pissed off about that), or block them. Something I wish I could do to pervy old men and douche’s with girlfriends in real life.