We’re All Basic Here

When I started tindering I came across this really strange phenomenon: Basic Bitches. All the boys were saying things like “basic bitches need not apply” “Basic bitches swipe left please”. And I thought to myself—What in the world is a basic bitch? So, I looked it up. And, because internet, there were about one million pages dedicated to describing what a basic bitch is(including a rather hilarious college humor video), and there are some absolute treasures in there.

Allow me to enlighten you:

Low ponytails:  Oh, you heard me. Once you slide that hair-tie to the base of your skull, it’s game over, princess. You’ve got your whole head to wear that pony on, so make use of it. Hell, get 80’s up in here and rock a side pony—but the second it passes the line from medium pony tail to low you’ve written yourself a one-way ticket to basic town. Might as well go ahead and un-match all your potential bae’s because they don’t want to be seeing that low pony. What kind of person puts their hair in such a comfortable up-do(or down-do) anyway?  Best play it safe and rock a braid, there is no information on height requirements for braids.

Toasters: no, you read that right. Toasters. That’s right, the thing you use to make pop-tarts. Apparently, if you like toasters you’re basic. Which, ipso-facto means if you like pop-tarts you are basic OR guys only want to date girls that eat raw pop-tarts. You decide. You decide what is better. A life of raw pop-tarts, or toasted pop-tarts, the way God intended. And, can we just do a quick shout out to Quiznos—the most basic of all sandwich shops for their toasted sandwiches. Don’t let them catch you in a Quizno’s, girl, or you’re done.


All Her Underwear Comes in Ridiculous Colors:  Since the dawn of time it’s been known you can immediately tell how awesome a girl is by her underwear. Black means she’s easy, white means she’s a prude, if she’s not wearing any she’s a hoe, and now we know(thank the gods) that if she is rocking any other “ridiculous” color(which is undefined in this article, by the way) that you might as well just shut her panty drawer now and be your on your merry way because she’s a basic bitch. Ladies just can’t win. And, while we are at it, let’s call all the department stores and let them know they royally fucked up their marketing because I’ve been buying “basic” black, white and beige for years only to find out a bunch of white guys from the internet think that it’s “ridiculous” colors that are basic instead! What are the odds?

She Wears Lip Gloss: Do not, for the love of god, moisturize your lips in any form that is not Blistex. If you have to put something on your lips that doesn’t taste like menthol, make sure it is matte, because you don’t want to be lumped into the lip gloss category of bitch. That bitch is a basic bitch. And if people see your shiny ass lips coming towards them they are going to go in the other direction lest they be sucked into your basic gravitational pull. Seriously, put the lip gloss down.

Her Favorite Flowers are Roses:  Because, as we all know, all the cool ladies like corpse flowers. Like, seriously, just because a rose is aesthetically very beautiful and smells like how bacon tastes do not think for a second about admitting that you find that appealing. I think it all comes down to cost. Like, only a basic bitch would pick the most expensive flower as her favorite. So now this dude has to go out and buy a bouquet of roses for, like, at minimum, ten bucks. You know what else you can buy for ten bucks? Two five-dollar foot longs. From Subway. Because,you can’t go to Quizno’s. Because, Quizno’s uses toasters for their subs. And toasters are basic.

She Loves to Bake: Stop the presses. If you like to toast you are basic and if you like to bake you are bake-sic(see what I did there?). Start taking notes. If you like to saute and grill you are safe. The verdict is still out on broiling. You know, to be safe—you should probably just stick to a raw-food diet.


You Love Pumpkin Spice Everything: Because, and I am being completely honest about this, girls who are not basic do not order Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks. Girls who are not basic go to the the pumpkin patch. They pick out the prettiest pumpkin. They take that pumpkin home. And then they smash it, Gallagher style and rub coffee grounds into it and eat it raw. If you are a bad-ass bitch that is just what you do. Otherwise you’re just kidding yourself.

You Really LOVE Going to Brunch: I’m sorry. Who does not love going to brunch? Show me that person. I dare you.

Your Go-To Up-Do? A Messy Bun Obviously:  Seriously, just shave your head now. Otherwise people are going to be so confused. Can you imagine if it was a low messy bun? You would be queen of the basics.


So, if you want to avoid being a Basic, here are some simple rules:

1) You can’t like putting your hair anywhere but the middle of your head.

2) There are a finite amount of ways you are allowed to make food, and none of them give you the ability to make a pizza at home.

3) Don’t own underwear. If you have to own underwear, run the color by a panel of people first to make sure the color isn’t “ridiculous”.

4) Don’t like things that are shiny, beautiful, or tasty. These things only get you into trouble.

5) Try not to be a human. Because human people usually enjoy some variety of people, objects, and colors and sometimes those enjoyments coincide with a majority of other people’s enjoyments. When that happens the tinder boys get confused and they can’t tell you apart! If only there were some way to divine the difference between female identifying individuals like asking them about themselves instead of just saying things like “No offense, but you look really fuckable,”. How is a boy to know whether or not he’s already said that to one basic bitch if all these basic bitches are the same!?

My advice? If you are a human person that enjoys anything you’re already a basic bitch. Don’t swipe right.